It's already April. Where has the time gone? I've been busy with my many projects, jobs, friends and le boyfriend. Unfortunately, that hasn't left room for much else - this blog included. I think one of the last things I blogged about was that the BF and I were shacking up. Well, shack up we did. And now we're shacking down...

Oh goodie. I can hardly wait to venture out into the dating world again. I just missed it so much. Hmmm...maybe when I'm ready, I can finally use those Cheek'd cards I blogged about.

First of all, I'd like to apologize for not updating this as regularly as I should or even at all. Whoops! I guess now that I'm actually in a relationship, all the time I had for blogging, I'm spending hanging with you know who. That and my workload is out of control.

I am also happy to report that one of the things that was consuming much of my time was successfully completed and went off without a hitch. Get it? Hitch. Of course I'm referring to the task I had of joining my two best friends in marriage. On Sunday, October 2nd, I stood in front of a group of my friends and strangers that became friends, and gave a very well-prepared ceremony. I am so glad that it is over and finally behind me - only because now I don't have to worry about effing up the most important day of their lives. I'm not kidding when I say that for months, I had mild panic attacks and bad dreams of being completely unprepared.

During the rehearsal, I nearly told them I wasn't going to be able to go through with it. I was pretty sure I'd eff it up. We went through the ceremony twice but just briefly. I barely got to spit out any of my ceremony and it all went by so quickly, I couldn't even keep the order of everything straight - which freaked me right out. The rehearsal, which I was banking on to be a huge help, barely even lasted 5 whole minutes. I'm a huge planner and preparer so this rehearsal thing was the last piece of the puzzle I needed to give me the confidence to go on. And it didn't work as I had planned.

However, that night at the rehearsal dinner, the bride's very good friend, walked with me and let me practice. He gave me some amazing tips on how to project my voice {outdoor ceremony, no mike}, how to breath and where to pause, but most importantly, not to worry because even the most seasoned ministers and priests make mistakes. Pair that with the fact that I met virtually everyone that was attending the wedding that same night and was able to get more comfortable around them. The next day at the ceremony, I wasn't even nervous. Oh, the Jack & Coke beforehand may have also helped :)

The reality of what I was doing finally hit me in the middle of the ceremony when I looked out at the crowd and then into the tearful eyes of my best friends who were intently listening to every word I wrote for them. I realized the enormity of my role in their lives and moving forward, the role I played in this new chapter in their lives. What an honor and what a memory!

In less than 30 days, I will be performing my very first wedding. Yes, performing. As an Officiant. An Officiant, who by the way, can also perform baptisms & funerals, bless houses & holy water, and possibly even exorcise demons. I can even be knighted as a Jedi [if I had only paid the extra $9.95].

So after October 2nd, I will have officially played every role in a wedding. That is, everything but the bride. I’ve been a bridesmaid more times that I can even remember and with that comes a closet of expensive, one-use-only dresses in a rainbow of colours. I’ve been a Maid of Honor once. Or was it twice? The only memories I have of this traumatic role are neatly tucked away in the recesses of my mind, purposely hiding from consciousness.

I’m not really sure why these roles are bestowed as an honour. I’d like to equate them more to jury duty than a celebration of our friendship. More like emotional exhaustion sprinkled with a dose of financial sabotage.  Not quite the thank you I wanted for being such a great and loyal friend.  I think each role in a wedding should come with a monetary stipend. And who the heck decided it was a good idea for the bridal party to be responsible for buying our own dresses that YOU choose, that we wear on only one occasion - YOUR wedding?! The PR committee behind that campaign must have been good because it’s been a longstanding tradition that I think we should put an end to [after my wedding, of course.] Ha ha!

Okay, okay, I’m completely exaggerating my dislike of bridal party involvement. I’m probably just exasperated that I’ve been IN so many weddings but never my own.  I’m sure there are many of you out there that know exactly how I feel and why I harbour such diabolical feelings on the matter. Maybe we just want our own bridal party to don themselves in brightly-coloured, one-use only dresses, be at our complete beck and call, and deal with our wedding day fears and anxieties.  Single ladies, are you with me?

I hate to say it, but I feel the same about baby showers. Ugh. Really? Another Sunday afternoon wasted oohing and aahing over a basket of diapers, baby wipes, onesies, etc and pretending to be over-the-moon excited for yet another friend that’s bitten the dust, will soon lose her identity, and won’t remember what it was like to have a life outside of her child.

Seriously, someone hold me back because I can’t even begin to explain the tangent I could go on about the parties & gifts the soon-to-be-wed and with-child get to furnish their new lives, while us poor singletons can barely scrape by doing it all on our own. That’s another post waiting to happen.

Where was I? Oh yes, I know it’s hard to believe but truthfully, I really am honoured to have been a part of every single wedding I’ve been in. What that says to me is that I must be a good friend and that feels really good to know!

There’s a little less than a month left until the ceremony. I’ve already had four separate dreams where I stumble upon their wedding completely surprised that the day is now upon us. In this dream, I am totally unprepared but I move forward about to walk up to the podium to begin a ceremony I never wrote. Then the dream suddenly comes to an end. I wake up to find myself drenched in my bed in a cold sweat promising myself to get on it and write the damn ceremony already. We’re at T minus 25 days. It’s do or die people.

Considering what a compliment it is to be a Maid of Honour or a Bridesmaid, I can’t even begin to explain how it makes me feel to be asked by my two very beloved friends to be the Officiant at their wedding. Honoured doesn’t even begin to cut it. Scared shitless might be more fitting. Just kidding [but not really]. Yes, I’m nervous. I certainly don’t want to be responsible for effing up the most important day of their lives but all that takes a backseat to how excited, privileged and proud I am to be the one doing this.

In front of all those people.

Staring at me.

As I nervously whisper the first few lines before I clear my throat that starts a convulsing, choking fit that lasts 8 minutes long.

I was in San Francisco a few weeks ago and my boyfriend wrote me a poem. Ch...ch...ch...check it out:

I thought I would write a poem for you. I've never written one before...    

Miss you honey bear
While you've been there
Away from me
By the sea  

Tomorrow when you fly in
I'll be comin'
Then I'll take you home
You and your phone  

xoxo

He's probably gonna kill me when he sees that I posted this but I liked it and I liked that he mentioned my phone - which I never put down - so that's a pretty big deal. Ha!

On another note, I went seafood crazy while I was in the San Fran. So much so that my hotel roomie said I woke her up one night because I was "Mmmmmmm"ing and making chewing/chomping noises. Wow. That's embarrassing. But I'm thankful it was clearly 'enjoying my food' noises and not any other kind of noises. That would have been seriously mortifying.

I probably ate my weight in dungeness crab & crab legs. Deeelish! Except my fingers smelled for days and that is wickedly disgusting especially if you get close enough to any people. They're probably left wondering what the hell you've been up to and would it hurt to wash your hands more than once a year? I scrubbed the shit out of them...nothing. Three days later the smell was almost just as strong as when I initially made contact. I don't care. The smell and the loud dream noises - it was well worth it! Although I think I came home with a bit of an addiction. I started feening for more seafood once I got home to my landlocked city. Oh sure, I could hit the Red Lobster or the insanely expensive seafood joint, but nothing can compare to the fresh seafood of a port city. How I miss living by the ocean...

"Mmmmmm..." Chomp. Chomp. Chomp.

This is horribly mean yet so unbelievably piss-your-pants hilarious. I'm going to hell for posting this link but it's way too funny not to. And yes, if someone offered to sketch a portrait of me with these wickedly awful yet accurate results, I'm fairly certain I'd be devastated, in therapy and unwilling to go on another date again in my life. 

CLICK THIS LINK: How to Troll a Dating Website

WARNING: Be prepared to piss yourself [...and don't shoot the messenger!!]

Howdy my good people!

I recently had a birthday [2 weeks ago]. My 36th to be exact [yuck!] but it was a pretty fabulous one thanks to my friends and family!

My BF bought me the most thoughtful gifts. He jam-packed a large gift bag with tons of amazing little finds that he thought I would like all based on remembering what I said in past conversations and actually paying attention. What a novel idea! A guy who pays attention. Aw...he's a keeper. Mush. Mush. Gross. Gross.

So for my birthday weekend, I went up to the BF's family cottage just the two of us and had a really nice and relaxing time. I should mention that I've been up there once a year for the past 2 years before he was my official BF. I'm not sure why I'm about to tell you this story aside from the fact that it's funny and totally typical of my life. So here goes...

Two summers ago I went up to the cottage with him for the first time. It's about a 2 hour drive and completely in the middle of nowhere. The cottage is equipped with almost all the comfort's of home except you can only use the bathroom to do el numero uno. If you need to perform the other number, there's a securely built outhouse up the walkway and away from the cottage for that. So, the first year I went, I had him inspect the outhouse for bugs and then proceeded to successfully use it with very little fanfare, which is always a good thing when getting into this tricky [awkward] zone with a new dude. Whatever. It's human nature and there ain't nothing you can do about it.

Last year was an entirely different story. Same scenario; I made him check for bugs. He gave it a clean bill of health and started to walk away to let me do my biz. He wasn't even gone three steps when I saw this hairy claw sticking out from the wooden toilet paper shelf. I walked a little closer to make sure my eyes weren't playing tricks on me [like they do when I'm anywhere surrounded by nature] and to my complete horror, the large, hairy claw belonged to an equally large, hairy spider. Holy shitballs, this was not good. I freaked and ran out of there like I was being attacked. He came back to see what all the fuss was about. Sure enough, he saw it too. But for some reason, it didn't effect him the same way it did me. Now that I had seen "the spider", you couldn't get me to go back in there - not even at gunpoint. Never. Ever. Again.

This was a huge problem because I really had to go. What happened next is what makes my then FWB so awesome cuz I honestly don't know anyone else that would do this and be such a good sport about it.

I made him dig a hole for me in the woods.

HA! Yes sir, I did. He dug me a little hole in the woods where I could then proceed to take a numero dos. Logically, I knew this meant that I was going to be surrounded by bugs from all sides but no matter how you presented it to me, nothing could make me go back into that outhouse.

So now the scene is set and it's time to get 'er done. I'm thinking, "Holy shit. Am I really about to take a crap in the woods?" Why, yes. Yes I am. Just as I'm about to pull my pants down, I hear the loud buzz of 4-wheelers in the distance. But as it turns out, they aren't actually all that distant. Not even 20 feet away I see one, then 2, then 3 and 4. What the eff? Is this for real? When I tell you this place is in the middle of nowhere, I mean there isn't another cottage around for miles. There hasn't been a sound, not an echo, not a tree rustling in the wind, not a boat on the lake, nothing...until I'm about to take a dump in the woods.

This only happens to me. I swear. Although, it could have been worse. I could have been in mid crap when they came around. Thank God for tiny blessings.

This year I wasn't going back into that outhouse. I had a near panic attack getting the nerve to try to go up there again. So, once I officially took the outhouse off the table, I had to think of a new plan. Sadly, because it had been raining the entire time we were up there and the mosquitos where out of control, there wasn't gonna be a hole in the woods this year. So, I came up with a different solution. One that I won't go into here because I'm pretty sure you've already had enough. Dios mio.

This amazingly disturbing yet hilarious video was sent to me by my dear friend M. You know who you are! I have trouble believing this is real and not some staged attempt to make fun of online dating & cat people. Clearly, I have no problem with making fun of online dating or cat people. Por favore, don't get your panties in a wad, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with online dating. I was involved in the process for more years than I care to remember and that's how I met my little honey bucket. I just enjoy breaking it down from time to time to make fun of the vast array of weirdos and their profiles.

As far as cat people... Come on. It's just so easy. You're asking for it. One cat, totally acceptable. Two, also acceptable. Three, you're dipping your toes in the pool of loneliness. More than three and you've crossed over into the awkward world of holiday embroidered sweaters, monogrammed throw pillows and tea parties for one ~ and I suppose several cats as your honoured guests. I'm sure you could also throw in a few stuffed animals for good measure!

But if it is real, I hope to God that this girl does not land a man faster than any of you good people out there with their feet firmly planted in reality. No joke, if this girl finds a boyfriend before any of you 'normalites', I will no longer have faith in mankind. I mean, really. I get being an animal lover but who seriously reacts like this at the mention of cats?! This can not be real. Please do not be real.

I'm also curious to know if eHarmony now has video profiles. Has it changed that much in the last 3+ months that I've been absent from it? I recall my blog post about incorporating video profiles. Did eHarmony read my blog and love my idea so much they just had to try it out? Kidding. Obviously. As if I'm the first to think of it. Or maybe I am. Maybe I am.

This guy is so funny, I had to dedicate an entire post to showcase his hilarious wildlife narrations. You will die. Enjoy! Then bookmark it for quick reference.

http://www.youtube.com/user/czg123#g/c/2A9D6BFCC78EDB71

First of all, I'd like to apologize for leaving Butter & Honey out in the cold for so long. Under the rubble of my chaotic life, I couldn't even throw together a small update to appease my followers [delusions of grandeur, much?] Seriously, I'm sorry. My job has taken over my life. I won't go into the details but a few other pretty huge events have taken place as well. Needless to say, my blog got swept under the rug. If it helps any, I thought of updating this every single day. Don't let this lull fool you, I never stopped loving you.

Many of you have asked and I will answer... How did I snag my BF? I'll fill you in on the deets. Well, maybe not all of them but enough to convey a lovely picture.

Numero uno: As surprising as this might be, I DID meet the BF on Plenty of Fish. Don't let the losers discourage you - there's bound to be one or two good ones out there for you. You just have to rummage through heaps and heaps of shit to get to him.

Numero dos: Remember the FWB I referenced in this post? It's him. Yes. In another strange twist, my FWB has turned into an actual boyfriend.

I know what you're thinking... How the hell did this chick meet someone on POF and switch him from a FWB to a BF? Isn't that some kind of hat trick? [Or something like that. Whatever.] It finally worked out like in the book/movie He's just not that into you...

Alex tells Gigi: "Every man you have ever dated who has said he doesn't want to get married or doesn't believe in marriage, or has "issues" with marriage, will...rest assured...someday be married. It just will never be with you. We’re taught in life, we should try to look at the bright side, to be optimistic. Not in this case. In this case, look on the dark side. Assume rejection first. Assume you’re the rule, not the exception. It’s intoxicatingly liberating."

After some time, Gigi comes to this realization: "Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule."

I am FINALLY the exception to the rule. Bloody fucking finally. Ladies [even gentlemen] if you haven't read the book or watched the movie, I suggest you do. WARNING: You might punch yourself for not seeing the obvious in your own dating adventures.

So, why slow & steady? I did meet him on POF...almost 2 years ago this July. We had a great first date. We saw each other everyday for the next week. It was so easy and relaxed. Nothing was forced about it. He hadn't even tried to kiss me and I was fine with that...until day 5 came around and then I could barely stand it anymore. He finally kissed me = extreme butterflies. He kissed me exactly the way I love to be kissed [with no coaching or hinting on my part]. So far, this sounds really good right?

Well, after hanging out for a few more weeks he tells me that he's just come out of a 10+ year relationship and he's not ready for anything serious so feel free to date other guys...blah, blah, blah...story of my life. Needless to say, a couple of red flags pop up in that statement but I had just moved back to my hometown and didn't really know many people. So I did date other guys but hung out with him quite a bit too. We had a lot of fun together, so why not?

To make a long story short, we hung out, went on little trips and out for dinners for almost 2 years. All the while, I was actively trying to date other guys and blogging about my escapades. Every time I had a shitty date, I ended up over at his place after. Or during my shitty dates, I'd be thinking about how much funner [yes, funner] things were with him. And from his perspective, he never had to worry because I never met anyone I wanted a second date with.

Until I met airplane guy. I think what made it worse, was that I met him organically without the help of a dating site. He flew back here for business often and during some of his visits, we went out. I kinda liked him. At least enough to go on more than one date with him to explore where it could lead. This started to concern my FWB.

I had agreed to go on another date with airplane guy. FWB was so not having it anymore. And this, ladies and gents, was his breaking point and the end of him being okay with me dating other guys. I guess it scared him straight because he is now truly 100% in it to win it! I was a bit apprehensive at first but I've seen a dramatic change in him and I truly feel as though he's ready to give it his all. And by all, I mean marriage, kids, the whole kit and caboodle...but let's not rush anything :)

I know some of you may be thinking that it's not an ideal way to start something that [I'm hoping] will eventually turn into marriage but at the same time, what is ideal? I happen to like the way it all unfolded. I've gotten to know this person on every level. Not just in the romantic sense. I like that I know him as a regular guy who wasn't trying to feed me bullshit and tell me everything I wanted to hear just to get in my pants. A surefire way to piss me off is to promise me the moon and not deliver. For realz yo, don't make promises you can't keep or have no intention of following through with. This way, I got the good and the bad right from the beginning. No surprises or changes in behaviour like, "When we first started dating you loved coming to the flea market and shopping for antiques. Now you don't want to do any of that. I don't even know who you are anymore!" Right from the start, if he didn't want to do it, he didn't do it. And I have to say, it's been quite refreshing! There's no illusion. No facade that will one day unravel. He is who he is. He promises only what he can deliver.

*I'm lazy. For those of you that don't know, FWB means Friend With Benefits. BF is Boyfriend. POF is Plenty of Fish. Amen.

It's official. I snagged me a man.

Now what do I do?

No, seriously. It's been a really, really, really long time since I had an actual boyfriend. I'm at the stage where hearing the word boyfriend come out of my mouth sounds completely foreign, odd. I introduced him as my friend a few times and got 'the oh really, is that what we're calling this" look. I quickly corrected myself. "Er, um, I, uh, meant boyfriend." And when I said it again, I whispered the word boyfriend. It felt strange coming out of my mouth in reference to someone who was actually my, uh, boyfriend.

Ok. You get it. I have a boyfriend.

I'm happy [thrilled, overjoyed, ecstatic, relieved] to report that I am no longer on Plenty of Fish. It was a requirement. Obviously. I happily obliged.

So that's the low down.